I am...

So why did I do such an open hashtag free post? (click on the pic or here to see me instapost)

Some might call it attention seeking... (silencing my negative chattery voice)

Here I shall rant and ramble.

I am very self critical. I question and they tend to be negative. I feel like i am misunderstood most of the time. Some of my friends are taken aback when I say that I am shy. The same friends that didn't realise that I was absolutely smashed out of my mind cell on my favourite booze.

The truth is I hide it well. I hide behind bars and only a very small few know about this. It's not me being rude. I just take a while to break down and allow trust to sink in. I am a good person with a lot of shitty faults that I would rather keep wrapped up. I don't mean to be rude.
I am getting better at it though.

My first instinct which gets on a lot of peoples tits is my fear of not being liked. I really don't think I have a lot of friends out there that genuinely like me. I can sing but when you take it away what am I?

If my voice is taken away, what am I? What could I do instead? I can't seem to find a plan b that I'm good at.
Am I an artist?

What's the point in making the effort if when they get to know you they won't like u anyway.I just didn't fit.
I'd love to know why. Am I that unlikeable? I wish I knew.

This is social anxiety and I am wearing the oversized T shirt.

And now I am sober i am more estranged. I can't even polish of a bottle of Malbec, a double brandy with no ice and a can of delicious scrumpy Jack as I'm trying to stick to sobriety. Booze free since Jan 1st by the way.

As the nights grow darker - I feel the pang inside me craving that hit at the back of my throat from a ciggy and a soothing glass of red plonk to warm me cockles as the nights grow colder.

What I do know is that I look at the above piccy and actually see a beautiful lady. One click
When I took my SouthEastern rail carriage selfie I felt like a bloated fatty. Too pale a foundation. Going to a place where I don't feel like I fit in. (Says the one with the Unicorn hair) Inside I am a unicorn. I know you are too.
I am also a bit embarrassed to reply to the beautiful comments that made me feel warm and fuzzy. Normally I would have removed the post but I will leave it be. Now I'm gonna work on believing them for myself. I want to change my mindset.

I suppose I am still on the long journey of self discovery. Luckily, this year has been pretty kind so far and my negative mind has lowered the volume.


I am not attention seeking. Just happy ranting to myself.
I can't even be bothered to reread. 
One click.
I feel a bit better now.

Currently listening to Scott Walker - Fetish.

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